I’m looking for ways to procrastinate and writing an extremely long note without character restrictions (I’ve hit the 1,000 character limit countless times, but it is a countable number [meaning it’s algebraic]). The good thing is that I don’t know what I’m procrastinating so in a way I’m not procrastinating and that makes procrastinating all that much easier.
Recently I’ve been particularly addicted (well, a bit of a strong word but I think it adequately describes the feeling I have about it) to facebook because it fills to social void I have in my life. I don’t go out often, do other things with people, or generally feel much now because I’ve created a shell around me due to my past. I used to be much more emotional and sensitive, and I still am, but what I have built is a wall to prevent much from dramatically changing my emotions, but I still can’t watch embarrassing moments because I feel like I am in the position of the victim, and new or embarrassing experiences give me very nervous - social anxiety.
Throughout middle school and early on in high school, I would refuse to write down much of anything for a few reasons: I felt that it would bring me anxiety, I didn’t really like to write, and I didn’t see the point in writing about my feelings or my thoughts. I now understand why people keep a diary, but I’m still not sure why they keep it secret. As I have progressed through life, I’ve learned that it is - or at least will be - important to socialize with others, and so far I’ve been trying to work hard at it by chipping away at my social anxieties: communicating in some form with others, expressing my ideas, and writing down what I think.
This is only a step toward being more open, and I don’t feel that this will become some sort of habit or dependency, but to me this makes me feel like I’m talking to someone - like those around me would listen to me - and makes me feel less bitter about my current social state. I also realize that much of it may be of my own doing - I don’t talk much with others and I don’t seem very open, and others may feel that these writings may be annoying or useless. Often I don’t initiate conversations because I feel that others won’t care or won’t understand what I’m trying to convey, but when people do ask me questions - questions about programming, computers, or academics - I feel that that’s all people know me for, that that’s all I can do in the eyes of others, when in fact I’m more passionate about one thing or another. When people do ask more personal and less dire questions - questions they ask out of curiosity, not out of need - I feel empowered to answer their question to the fullest, because they, out of their own desire, their own motivation - something this generation desperately needs, gave me an opportunity to speak where they would listen.
I don’t know why I feel that no one listens to me, but I do know that that feeling is a component of depression, but I do know that if I speak up and speak more, that I will be heard and my image will change. I’ve attributed this feeling to the possibility that I seem like a shy person, a person who avoids social settings. I want to combat this image, but it may not even be there, though it gives me another, similar goal I can work towards, although as of now it makes me more depressed than I should actually be. Others have expressed that they do care about me and the way I feel, and I’m not sure how to take that in, since I’m a particularly critical person and such feelings toward me seem empty to me if one doesn’t take note of my emotional state or even my physical state. This brings up the awkward question: why do others see me the same pretty much every day when I may be drastically different from one day to the next? The answer is in the shell I’ve mentioned, and tearing it down requires me to feel more comfortable around others.
In my course of interacting with others, and in many cases, observing out of envy (I don’t think I’m popular), I’ve noticed that many people form groups due to various reasons. I don’t really know how such groups work collaboratively (I never seem to know when to speak), but i do know that people in one are generally happy and supportive of fellow members. Now, these groups may not be as solid as I have just made them out be, but in general at any particular time this is generally true, with the supportive part truer for girls than it is for boys. I, in some sort of rationalization, generally stay away from internet groups, partly because the atmosphere, and partly because they won’t provide supportive assistance anyway, and, especially when anonymous, tend to be more critical and condescending than supportive. I really want to have friends that I can feel comfortable with, so I can care about them and they will care for me (in one way or another).
I care a lot about my fellow students, because I know will become very important in the future of humanity, in one way or another. I don’t want to continue just providing help with schoolwork or computers, I want to motivate this generation into realizing that they need to stop thinking of me as smart - I’m motivated, not smart. I’m smart in the sense that I realized that being motivated is important to becoming happy - the sense of accomplishment, of self-worth, is hard to understand if one just does what one is told and only seeks to understand what is required. I am unwilling to make predictions, but I know that at the minimum, we are competent and knowledgeable about technology, and that will form the basis for our achievements. That is what I’m working toward - our, I want to be together, meeting new acquaintances, and turning acquaintances into friends. I don’t want to hate and destroy those who, possibly unintentionally, ignored me for who I may seem. I don’t want to be enclosed in a shell because I am afraid, afraid of embarrassment, afraid of change, afraid of the unfamiliar and the uncomfortable. I don’t want to stay at home out of my lack of courage, too lazy and too absorbed in video games, programming, and my imagination to consider that others may actually want me in their group. I don’t want to be shy anymore; I want to be me.